Guilty Pleasure

You have that affect on me. That feeling where just your presence makes my inner goddess excited. When you're around, I feel like this little girl waiting for some fun. Being around you is a constant cycle of want, need and satisfaction. You're that guilty pleasure where I know I shouldn't want you but that temptation is indescribable. I see you and I just want you there and then; raw, naked and all mine.

It's incredible how you have such an affect on me. You're that person that I want but I know I can't have. You're all your dreams in one, with all your sexy glory. Regardless of your sex, age, race or religion etc. you are that person who I openly crave without boundaries. My dreams are filled with you, holding and caressing my body whilst I quiver at your touch. Your fingertips run across my cheekbone and I can feel you behind me. How can some one affect me so much?

I crave you excessively; I'd give you my attention in whatever way and form you want; because all I want is you. Everything about feeling this way is wrong, but my inner sex goddess disagrees. Your touch makes me stop breathing and I can't help but think about how much I want you. Your lips to me are like poison; deadly, killing and tortuous. I crave you in an innocent, wrong and guilty way and I just can't help it.

I just want you for me. I want to be dominated by you, wanted by you and craved by you. This attraction and spark is all I need. I just want to touch you, hear you, feel you, taste you and see you. Thinking about you just feels like I'm on this drug; an addiction which drives me crazy and leaves me that little bit hazy.

Me and you together is all about the passion, pain and pleasure. And you, you are my guilty pleasure.

- athera -

Do what you love

They say life is too short and that is so true. I lost my friend a few years ago to Lupus and it broke me. I didn’t understand what was happening around me when it all happened but it taught me one thing. My friend was an amazing person with a great soul who was always thinking about the future. Sadly, that future for her never came and that was precisely it; you never know what will happen when so why constantly worry about the future and not enjoy the present? 

Yes, it’s important to save up for a car, a house etc. but it’s important to live in the moment. You don’t ever want to die and not have lived a life with new experiences. The world is a beautiful and life can be so rewarding when you do new things. And it was that moment where I began to think, that it was acceptable for me to do whatever made me happy. And as cliched as it sounds, you do get only one life so live it however the want. Break the rules, be you and don’t ever feel bad about that. 

Since everything happened, I’ve been doing exactly that. I now travel more, try to do new things, go to new places to meet new people and that makes me happy. I am more open about my feelings because who knows if you’ll ever get the chance to tell someone what you think. It’s all important and remember that it’s always okay to be selfish. You deserve it and a great achievement is just getting through one day itself. 

So moral of this read is ‘live every day like it’s your last’. 

Friends who come and go

I strongly believe you always have control over choosing two types of people in life: your friends and your partner. So these people have to be very special. Being a small, loud and talkative girl; being social has always been pretty easy. But the older I grew, I slowly started differentiating between those who were just mates and ones who were actually my friends.

My friends had to be my support system, my go-to's and my confidants. And me being me, selfless and all, I put my everything into these friendships because these people meant the world to me. But the sad truth is the older you get, you'll realise that there's a lot of people who actually have their own agenda and to them, you really didn't matter. I slowly realised that to these kind of people; my presence was just about having another friend as supposed to me as a person. And once that became clear to me, it hurt. It fucking hurt.

The truth is, you can give someone your all but you'll find out that once things and time change, they just don't want you to be around. In a situation like that, it's best to just walk away and distance yourself. It's not called being immature, it's called being the better person.

In the last year I lost my university friends and my boys who both were groups of people who I thought I would grow old with. But a little thing of selfishness got in the way. I realised where their true colours lied and that their priorities were just not about being there for me. So I walked away. I just felt so used and hurt and it just wasn't even worth it. Why should I care when you can't even ask me how I am? Why should I do that to myself? But the good part of me just couldn't let you go. Our friendship meant something to me because I thought you were my family. I told you everything (more than I should have) and this is what I get? I did things for you because I wanted my friends to be happy and this is how you treat me?

And you know the worst bit is I tried. I tried to make things work. I put aside my emotions, my ego and my drama; just to try and get things to work but you didn't want to reciprocate it. You chose to shut me out because you chose to pick the side with more people. But don't you remember the time I was there for you? The time you called me to tell me that you were scared? The time I helped you study for that test and practice for that interview at 2am? I never hurt you and I always took it on myself to make you happy and this is how you repay me?

It just hurts and that pain has now just become anger. I'm angry at myself for ever thinking I could trust you. I'm angry at myself for even thinking you would be there for me. I'm angry at you for hurting me and using me. I'm just so mad. I hate how you have made me feel. And I won't ever forgive you or forget you for doing so. It's ones most close to you that hurt you the most I suppose.

But from all bad things that happen, some good things come. I realised after all of you left who my true friends are. My friends are now just a handful of people who have my heart and will always have my back. They have been in my life in times of need and it's that moment where I can prove that quality will always beat quantity. And for you amazing souls, thank you and I love you all. And to those who left me and hurt me, it's your loss.

- athera - 

Those who care

Those who care

hurt you the most. 

They think they are 

protecting you

but little do they know

it just causes pain inside. 

All I ask is for you to

accept the way I am

support all my decisions

and let me make mistakes.

I need my happiness, not your judgement.

I Said

I said

You joke

About my body

Being too much to handle

Thighs and hips

Too thick for your hands

Ass and all

Too juicy for your mouth

But boy

It isn't my body

You need to worry about

It's my mind

That's what you can't handle.

- athera -

Everything has a limit

'Don't trust too much

Don't love too much 

Don't hope too much 

Because that 'too much' 

Can hurt so much'

This is one of the most real poems I have ever read. Yes, it is very cliched and the normal person would roll their eyes the minute they read it but it is honestly so true. And I can tell you this from my own experiences. If you really dig deep, you'll actually realise that we have all been in this position. Either you have been the person who has trusted, loved and hoped too much or the person who was trusted, loved and hoped more than you actually deserved. But it's the truth.

For those who know me, you know that for me life has always been about giving. Whether that be loving my family or adoring my friends; the people in my life are my world, my rock and my support. Growing up, I was brought up in a family who always use to give endlessly, never expecting anything in return. My mum always mentioned the idea of karma and she was a stronger believer that what goes around will always come around so I had to do good. And it was all hunky-dory during my childhood but the moment I became an adult; I realised that this attitude was just going to hurt me and backfire.

I did it all. I trusted people too much telling them everything about my life as I thought they deserved to know; I loved too much by giving them my all; I hoped too much expecting years of laughter and happiness with them. But I eventually realised that everyone has their own agenda in life and actually, hardly anyone was ever going to do even half of what I would do for them. The past year of my life, I lost friends, I saw the true colours of some family and it broke me. I didn't know what to do because I was just too invested in them and not as invested in myself.

Being so selfless effectively broke me, it hurt me and I just started lashing out. Life just felt like there was no purpose. The person to blame for this all was me and no-one else. I treated them the way I would expect to be treated and that was my mistake. I was just too dependant on these people because I felt like I needed them and once they left, I just was lost. And really honestly, I just wish someone told me that it was okay to be selfish at times.

Thinking about now, I am weirdly glad. I realised that you can do 99 things for someone and all they'll remember is the one thing you didn't do and that truthfully, in life you are only going to be as good as the people you surround yourself with so I owed it to myself to be brave enough to let go of those who keep weighing you down. A few months later, I have put myself first and done things not because it would make someone happy but that it would make me happy and honestly, I am really proud of myself.

I will still love those in my life infinitely but I have tried to not do the whole 'too much' thing. Too much of anything is never good for anyone so it's all about finding that limit and keeping it there. I am now much happier and content with life and for me, I am just most appreciative of those who actually decided to stick around. And I will always continuously remind myself that my value will never decrease based on someone's inability to see my worth.

Effectively, there is no harm in trusting, loving and hoping but the point is never do it too much because the only person who it will hurt is you. So lesson learnt, is be you and remember everything in life is acceptable, within limit.

- athera -

My girls

So I thought I'd write something as more of a appreciation post for my girls; my high school besties and my support system. These girls have been there for me through everything, whether that be a bad grade for an exam or a heartbroken me; they have been there. And really, I love them so much. Like it's weird because I have always said, the two relationships you can choose in life are your friends and your partner; but with these girls, it was just meant to be.

We met on the first day of high school where dorky me was trying to be cool and make friends and somehow, I found these girls and thought 'They're brown, I'm brown. Let's be their friend' and that was the best decision I ever made. Now almost 13 years later, my girls are my biggest blessing in life. I am so grateful for everything they do but I know they will always be there and that for me, is why I love them.

I am very different to them, whether that be our career paths, how intellectual we are or even our personalities but they have always accepted me the way I am. We have that banter which is rude, offensive and super sarcastic but it doesn't need to be said that it's just how we are. They are the type of people who would be honest and open about anything I was doing. Whether that would be a guy that I met on Tinder or a top I was wearing; they would tell me what they thought. But they never ever have forced an opinion and have always backed me in every situation.

These girls are more family than friends and honestly, you should be jealous of what we have; I know I would be if I was you. For me, I have lost a lot of people in the last few years and so I appreciate these girls more than I ever have. I know that we will grow older together, be bridesmaids at each others' weddings and have a Mum Club once the kids start coming.

So to my girls, thank you for being my friends and I will always love you. Always and forever.

- athera -